What a colossal waste of time this is turning into. So I tried to undertake what I hoped would be a pretty insightful look at the new X-Men movie, and no two ways about it, it goes terribly, terribly wrong. I don’t know if it’s the knock on the head I took the other day or if I frankly just suck at writing now, but it came out disastrously. My organization was messed up, I was slipping far too often into academic doublespeak (really hard to untrain yourself from that, apparently), and I just kept writing and writing under the assumption that if I wrote more it would somehow come out all right. Well, it didn’t. But I figured I’d put it up anyway, so I wouldn’t feel as if my efforts were completely in vain. But, of course, WordPress makes nothing easy, so my formatting is screwed up, it’s not letting me add pictures like I want to, and the end result is just an ocean of pretty underwhelming text. But I throw it up anyway, thinking, “What the hell, it’s a maiden effort. I know what’s wrong with it, but maybe someone might find it’d good ideas (of which I do feel the are some) insightful.”
You’d think I kicked the Pope or something.
I started this blog for two very simple reasons: practice and discipline. You know, if nothing else, writing what I did, disastrous though it was, I still managed to force myself into bringing something to completion, and nowadays that’s important to me. It was also a way for me to say the things that I want to say, because there’s few places for me to say them. That’s why it’s antiscribe – it’s antithetical by nature. I’m not honestly not even looking for an audience. I’m just looking to speak, because I’ve felt voiceless for far too long.
But just getting slapped around and flamed so thoroughly within just twenty mintutes of posting, with one person even accusing me – erroneously I certainly feel – of plagiarism – the worst thing a writer can be accused of – I wasn’t looking for this, especially not right now. I can’t find a job, any job, let alone a worthwhile one that will let me make anything approaching a living so I can finally get my own place again. I’m still living with the crushing disappointment of having spent years and what essentially was my inheritance going for a Masters degree that’s not worth the frame I put it in. Thanks to how I was treated in my last relationship, I don’t even much enjoy talking to people anymore, let alone dating anyone. I have no desire to put myself out there so others could step on me just to make themselves feel all sorts of pedantic. I’ve always made it a point to never criticize someone’s writing unless they’ve asked me too. I personally feel it’s violating. I have a novel I’m working on, and it’s sometimes just difficult finding the will to write it based on how nothing in my life ever seems to be worth the journey in the end. Nevertheless, I could have and should have spent the last two days working on that, instead of the monstrosity I wrote for this blog, and I frankly hate myself now for having done this instead.
Which leaves me wondering precisely what the point of this is going forward. Clearly, I need to rethink this endeavor. And I’m not sure I’m just talking about the blog.